Aspergers

This is a word I was not prepared to hear one year ago, but one that I was relieved to hear today! Last year, to label my son with a diagnosis meant that we had to deal with what we feared for a long time. We weren't excited about the news we got, in fact we were numb! After denial, came mourning and then action. I began to research everything and we began therapy. The more involved we got, the more I realized that we were dealing with a lot! Today, I realize that had I been honest with myself we would have gotten here sooner. But I do not think that I could have handled that at the time. So now we change direction, and we look at things from a different view.

Still Here!

Well, we have been on one more ride since the last time that I blogged!! Turns out that the med adjustment wasn't a good thing at all!! He had a horrible reaction to it, but we are back to "our normal" now!! School is going OK, and he is working very hard to keep up! I am so proud of him!! Addison is doing well, she is taking dance lessons and getting ready for her very first recital!! I am so excited to see her on that stage! She is such a trooper too! I can only imagine what she thinks about what Drake goes through and she is always there to give him a hug and support him and he depends on her a lot too!! They are so very strong and I pray that they continue to be close and that she doesn't grow to resent him! Right now, she handles him better than the rest of us! We are making it right now and that is about all I can say at the moment! We don't really know from day to day if things will get better or worse and we are learning to cope with every situation that comes our way!

Update

It has been almost a month since I blogged! We have had quite the struggle with OCD since Thanksgiving and I have been too discouraged to write. Drake is still struggling daily, school is very difficult because he has to work so hard to appear like a normal 7 year old that he doesn't always stay caught up with his schoolwork. We did have some more testing done to see if he has an autoimmune type of OCD and it confirmed that he does not. We have adjusted meds yet again and we are working closely with school to make sure that he gets back on track. My heart is breaking for him and I want so bad to fix it and I can't. He is tormented by this horrible disorder every day and it isn't fair!

OCD SUCKS!

The title pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I was just looking back at my blog and noticed that on Nov. 13th we were making progress and now we are back to a bad place!!! The week after Thanksgiving, Drake got sick with a stomach virus and he hasn't been able to get back to his normal since! I have been doing some research and looking into the possibility that Drake has PANDAS OCD, which is cause by a type of strep. We are moving in the right direction, I have contacted a doctor in Chicago and we are in the process of setting up some test so that we can confirm or deny. But, in the meantime I can't stand to see my son having so much trouble. He is fighting so hard and it is heartbreaking because I want to fight for him. I want to take this away from him. I can't bear to see him in so much pain and be so helpless!!! So, OCD sucks bigtime and I hate every part of it and I want it to leave my son alone for good!!!

December!

We have had such a busy month! Addison just started dance class as an early Christmas gift from her Nanny, thank you Nanny! I am so excited for her and she absolutely loves it. I am excited that she gets to have her own thing! Drake is having a bit of a difficult time this month, he has had quite a few meltdowns, He has been off his schedule since Thanksgiving and now we are gearing up for Christmas break. This is the one thing about OCD that is heartbreaking, any kind of change is hard for Drake, even good change. We noticed this very early with him, as early as a year old! He even said this morning that he didn't want to be out of school for Christmas! I just hope that we can do a lot of fun things with the kids and Drake will be ok, it will be tough but we are preparing now!

Here

We have been doing so well, but now we are back to square one!! We did have a great Thanksgiving and I am so thankful for the wonderful day that we spent with our families. Drake is doing good in school and Addison is doing pretty good overall too! I certainly can't complain! Drake was doing so well and out of nowhere, we have major meltdowns, aggression that is hard to control and I feel like the very minute we get comfy with this OCD crap, everything goes wierd again! He is doing well in therapy, but we are still very dependent on meds, which I am guessing is going to be a neverending cycle. I have accepted that this is what we have to deal with, but now I am mad at it! I guess it's the process. I don't want to write about it, read about it or talk about it!! So, right now we are back to being just here!

Proud Mama!

Drake just got his first report card of second grade! He got Bs and Cs. He asked me if I was mad that he had Cs! I know that he is working so hard on his OCD and class and homework and i am so proud of him!! He only had 2 Cs in language arts and reading, the rest were Bs!!! I told him that as long as he tried his best that I was proud of that! He looked so relieved, I hate that he spent the whole afternoon worrying that I may be mad about his grades! But, once he realized that he had achieved something, he looked so happy and that makes me happier than anything else! He is also doing very well with his therapy and on his medication!

Good Week!

First, let me say that Drake is doing ok these days. He is holding his own in school and with his OCD. We are learning how to deal with the meltdowns and they are less frequent. I am very proud of him. He also sang his first solo in church this past Sunday, on the very stage that I sang my first solo as a child. This was his idea and he wanted to do it without help(my dad played guitar for him) I was so very proud of him that I wanted to stand up and cheer and say "that's my baby!!!!" He was excited that people clapped for him and complimented him on his singing. As is typical with OCD, he is very hard on himself and tends to have a lower self-esteem. He thrives on compliments and achievements no matter how small. This was very big and he went right up there and sang with no fear! It really meant a lot to me and to him!
Tomorrow we take Addison to the hospital for more tests for her kidney reflux. She is having more and more infections and having to take antibiotics too often. The test is not too bad, but it's uncomfortable for her and scary and I absolutely hate it!! My husband also doesn't do well, he gets mad when he is scared or can't make something go away so I have to keep him calm and stay calm for Addison and it will be exhausting! We are going to do some fun things afterwards with her so hopefully it will be out of her mind quickly!

OK

Things are going pretty good right now, yippee!!! Drake got his first progress report of 2nd grade and he has pulled everything up!! He has 2 Bs and 2 Cs, I am so proud of him and the effort that he has made!! He is doing well in therapy, although it is slow going. Addison is doing well, although she has another kidney infection. I don't think I have mentioned it before but Addison, my four year old has kidney reflux. We have been watching and treating with antibiotics as needed and now she is getting an infection each month which is not a good sign!! We are in the process of scheduling another procedure which is not at all fun. They will insert a catheter (sp?)and dye and watch the flow to see where the reflux is. I am hopeful that we will have more options this time!! All in all everything is going well!!! That is a nice change!!

A Break

I had so much fun tonight and got a much needed break from the stresses of home and OCD/TS!! My mom and I had supper outside at Adam's Bistro, then we went shopping at the mall!! I really enjoyed this time alone with my mom and not having to rush home to take care of the kids(they went out for mexican food with their daddy and papa). Thanks Mom, I needed that!!!

Settling In

Drake is starting to settle in to 2nd grade. He had a good week last week and is doing much better without me taking him to school. I however am not settling in so well. I still have a hard time dealing and processing all of this. I look at him every day and I see him at his best and his worst and I don't know why this had to happen to him. I feel like it's punishment for something I did. Why is my beautiful son suffering so much, why is he tormented daily by this horrible disorder. Why can't he go one day without suffering? Why do I keep going to appointments expecting something different? Why in the hell do I have to be the strong one to pull it together and put on a happy face. I AM NOT HAPPY!!! THIS SUCKS!!! I WANT IT TO BE OVER, THIS HAS TO BE A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO MEET WITH ANY MORE TEACHERS, I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY MORE DOCTORS!! How am I going to get through this when things just seem to be getting worse and I don't know what to expect.

HELP!!!!

I am so frustrated right now!! I spent most of the summer worrying about Drake's teacher and starting his 504 plan, that's taken care of. Now he is not doing well academically at all in school. He is failing every test so far, he is not wanting to go to school, he is crying and clinging to me and they are having to peel him off of me. I emailed his teacher to see what we can do and I spoke with the guidance counselor this morning and she mentioned him being evaluated. He is behind in reading which seems to be most of the problem, and I can't seem to get him motivated to do anything!! I can deal with the 504, but I don't want to be pushed into anything else because he is very intelligent but OCD is really keeping him from doing what he needs to do. What do I do?????? I have to work full time of I would pull him out and home school him right away, but I don't know that I wouldn't be hurting him further!! There has got to be another solution.

I will never....

Drake is finishing his second week of school and things seem to be going pretty good. He is adjusting very well, almost too well. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out! Addison is doing well in 4k too!! Things have been very nice at our house and I am beyond happy about it. I don't know how many times in my lifetime I have said I will never.... (especially about my kids). I am pretty opinionated so I can assure you it has been a lot. And since I became a mother I have choked on most of those things I swore to never do. The most recent one that I am choking on now is medicating a child. I am now learning the importance of some meds for Drake's disorder. He is now on 3 (yes, 3!) medications and for the first time in a very long time he is himself. He is doing well in school, he is playing well with others, he listens and obeys like a 7 year old boy and more importantly, he is content and happy!! I have watched him closely since he was born and I know his every facial expression, laugh and cry. I have seen him tormented by his OCD and anxiety and I have seen him cry for help too many times!! I have heard him beg, just let me go one day without my OCD! In the past few weeks, he hasn't had to do all the fighting. We also owe a lot of the credit to Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The very thing that we thought would alter his personality and take our fun little Drake away from us has given him and us hope. So why should I be so close-minded to medicine, if he had asthma I would be feeding him meds to breathe. OCD/TS is a complicated medical condition that requires therapy and/or medication and I am happily choking on those words I spoke a long time ago...

Back to School

Today was Drake's first day in second grade and Addison's first day in 4k! And they both did very well. Drake said that he really really likes his teacher, Mrs. Ellenburg. And Addison was excited that she finally got to get her pencil box out and use it.( I forbid her to touch it for the last month so it wouldn't disappear! She has a gift for losing things....and NOONE can find them again.) I cried all day long, which I didn't expect. I just wanted him to have a good day, and I wanted everyone to be nice to him and for him to not have to fight his OCD/TS for one day. I was relieved to see how happy he was when I picked him up. We also had a good night with homework and going to bed early, in fact he was the first one to go to sleep. Hopefully this is a good beginning to a good school year

School Time

Ok, so things are slowly calming down around the Yates household! Drake starts 2nd grade tomorrow and Addison starts 4 K- Yipee!!! I can't believe how quickly time has gone by since Jamey and I started our family a little over 7 years ago! I met with the administration and Drake's teacher on Thurs the 27th, and we put everything in place for his 504 plan. Everything went really good and I really like his teacher this year. I think that she really loves teaching and can get her point across at the same time. She asked a lot of questions and seemed to really want to know as much as possible before starting this year with Drake. He then met her that evening at open house and he likes her as much as I did. So far we haven't had a tough time this week and it is usually tough for Drake when he is about to go through some sort of change, either good or bad!! I think we are all ready for 2nd grade!!

Why?

I was just about to post about how things seem to be better!!So much for that! Drake had another meltdown tonight, although I must say that it wasn't as severe as the last one. He did try several times to hit me, and then made himself sick. I am meeting with the teacher in the morning. I can only hope that getting back into a schedule will help! I really don't know what to do now, other than just take it day by day. Usually I would have plenty to say, but I am speechless right now! I am trying to take all of this in and evaluate and see where we go from here!

Better??????

The last two days have been a little better. As you know, Drake had a major meltdown on Monday. Without going into details, he said and did things that I never thought he would say or do. Then, he went to sleep, he woke up the next morning a different child. It was as if some horrible monster had taken over our child and then left him alone all within an hours time. On Tuesday morning he was back to Drake. The hard part is, we weren't the same parents and Addison wasn't the same. We had witnessed a very dangerous crisis less than 12 hours prior and we were still in shock!! Addison has been through things in the past few months that will certainly affect her in the future. Jamey and I sat up the majority of the night crying and trying to rationalize a very irrational and volatile situation. We saw the doctor today and hopefully some things will get better from here on out, but I am aware that this is a very bumpy roller coaster and I wish someone would stop it and let me and my family get off!!!!!!!

Major Setback

Just when we thought that things were starting to get a little tolerable, the bottom falls out! Today was a very good day and everything seemed ok, until tonight! I won't go into great detail, but it was the scariest temper tantrum yet! I don't know what to do, there is no rational explanation. I am terrified of what may happen next! We were just at the therapist today and he really seemed to be making progress!!!! Do we only make progress to fall flat on our face? THIS IS TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tough Days

Drake has been having a hard time over the last few days, but we can still see improvement since all of this started. In December he was at the peak of his symptoms, begging for help and not eating and terrified to go to school! As I look back on those days, I am thankful to be where I am today. At the same time it is still a struggle and I don't know that this will get better soon. He is learning some new coping skills and he is able to talk about it now and I heard him say for the first time yesterday that he has OCD. My mom was talking to him and telling him that his cousin also has OCD, and he smiled! He called her and talked to her about it and said, " you know I have OCD too" It has really helped to see shows about ocd and to know someone with OCD, he doesn't feel all alone in this struggle. His tourettes seems to be getting worse. He has a new tic now (constant blinking) and his motor tic is showing up more and more. I am really anxious about the new school year for so many reasons! I am ready to get past these next couple of weeks and get him settled into 2nd grade and back in the routine that makes him comfortable! My baby girl, Addison also starts 4k in September!!! They are growing so fast, and I don't like it!

Little Progress

I wish I could say that we are making huge improvements in living with OCD/Ts, but that would not be true. We are making small steps, Drake is slowly learning to cope with the things that haunt him and we are learning how to help him daily. He still has this determination to go nonstop, but he is learning that some quiet time isn't all that bad either! I am looking forward to school starting and the routine, but I am also very nervous about how things are going to change! The thought of him struggling through school both academically and socially is heartbreaking to me, especially since he is so smart and so caring and fun to be around! So, I have scheduled meetings with school counselors and teachers and to try come up with a list of things that will make his time in the class easier for him and his teacher. I have hope that this year will be a good one!